Lacuna
by Nachtweiss
Summary: AU. When Uchiha Sakura turns twenty-one, she wakes up to realize that her future is lost forever.


_And I would be the one_

_To hold you down_

_Kiss you so hard_

_I'll take your breath away_

_And after I'd wipe away the tears_

_Just close your eyes, dear_

**Sarah McLachlan, Possession**

10

When Uchiha Sakura turns twenty-one, she wakes up to realize that the man beside her is not who she thought he was, and never, ever will be. She watches as he slowly, slowly wakes, eyes not quite opening, rolling over, getting out of bed, thinking her to be still asleep as his hand brushes her bare arm.

When Uchiha Sakura turns twenty-one, she wakes up to realize that her future is lost forever.

9

When Haruno Sakura turns sixteen, she sees him for the first time and realizes that she lovelove_loves _him and will do anything for him, even as he walks away with someone else and she is left alone, clutching her drink, wanting, waiting, wishing for him to come back and say something, anything.

When Haruno Sakura turns sixteen, she finds her unseeing, cold, callous Romeo, and prays that the ending will be different.

8

When Haruno Sakura turns fourteen, she watches her mother step off their thirty-third floor balcony, leaving her with something so eloquently painful that she doesn't think that she can bear it anymore than she can stand against the storm. She watches as her father slips, trying to hold himself up against cold, slimy marble, and makes no move to help him, because there is a deep, dark chasm between what she feels and what she does.

When Haruno Sakura turns fourteen, she learns loss more profoundly than she knows.

7

When Haruno Sakura turns seventeen, she drinks and drinks and drinks and that is how he finds her that night, not _him who she loves, _but _him who she needs, _and in the darkness they look so alike she can almost, almost pretend. And he picks her up off the step and tells her to stop it in that quiet, bored tone, and all she can do is whisper that her father is dead inside and she can't ever, ever go back and would he please take her somewhere. Instead he calls the police and that night she sleeps in the police station, answering question after question, because the bastards think she did it.

When Haruno Sakura turns seventeen, she is drowning in her father's blood and she can't help it that _he _came along to hold her head below the surface.

6

When Uchiha Sakura turns twenty-two, she sits in the bathroom—so elegant, nice, rich—and stares at the little red plus, wonders why it makes her feel so empty when in truth she is full full full as he appears at the door, wants to scream and throw it down. Instead she smiles shakily, and tells him the only truth she can.

When Uchiha Sakura turns twenty-two, she very-nearly overflows.

5

When No-name Sakura turns nineteen, _he who she needs_ appears beside her at the party and looks directly into her over bright green eyes and makes her an offer she can't ever refuse. And so, on that night, when the wind is icy and she is shivering in her strapless gown, he presses a ring onto her finger and a kiss onto her lips and tells her that _she can be above this _and she wonders when his kisses turned so cold that they stop stop stop her heart.

When No-name Sakura turns nineteen, she loses sight of here-and-now and can only wait for what-could-be.

4

When Uchiha Sakura turns twenty, she steps out of the church in her resplendent white kimono, drunk on sake and giddiness and tight, overwhelming fear so that when she sees him _he who she once (still) loved _she doesn't even flinch.

When Uchiha Sakura turns twenty, she breaks her heart into a million little piece, all for him, only for him.

3

When Haruno Sakura turns seven, her mother has a miscarriage and for days Hana only lies around, eyes dry, face dead, and Sakura wonders where her mother has gone and whether she will be back. (Not that she ever will be, and for years Sakura lives with a ghost, until the ghost decides to fly or die trying.) She watches as her mother's stomach sinks back, until it is flat flat flat and when she puts her ear to it, she can no longer hear that other precious heartbeat.

When Haruno Sakura turns seven, she cleans up the blood on the bathroom floor and listens to her mother scream at her to _save it save it save it damn you _and vows that one day she will.

2

When Uchiha Sakura turns twenty-three, she finally, _finally _holds a baby in her arms, after three miscarriages, and looks down at his black eyes and jet hair and wonders where she is in him until he begins to laugh and she hears herself in his voice. (She laughed as well, when she was a baby—came out laughing and laughing and laughing at the world, and the doctors say she won't stop until the day that she dies.) And _he who she needs _almost smiles and touches the baby's hair and asks her what they will name him, and she says _Akeno, _because he is born in the morning, her bright, shining, beautiful boy. And _he who she needs _nods and agrees in his quiet voice, and there is no anger in his face (there never is.)

When Uchiha Sakura turns twenty-three, she gives birth to the future.

1

When Uchiha Sakura turns thirty-one, she buries her husband and her son beneath the oak tree behind their estate and tries tries tries not to cry, because _he who she needs _would not want her to. And some part of her soul adds their shrines to the others that reside there—one for her mother, who she watched fall; one for her father, who she allowed to die because she didn't want him to remind her; one for her almost-sibling, who she cleaned up off the bathroom floor with her own clothes; and now one for each other them, _he who she needed _and _he who was shining, _because it is all she has now.

When Uchiha Sakura turns thirty-one, she buries her life in the ground.

0

When Sakura turns thirty-three, she balances on the edge of the building, and wills him—_he who she loved_—to come and save her, even though she knows he never will. And in a moment all her life is spread out over that skyline, slanting with light, and she can hear herself laughing, because she will until the day she dies. And behind her, somewhere in this city that kills her, he watches the rain and smokes his cigarette and never, ever wonders what became of _she who loved him dearest _until it is too late.

When Sakura—just Sakura—turns thirty-three, she spreads out her arms and leaps into the air, and for a few, beautiful seconds, she truly, truly _flies._

...

**Nachtweiss says:**

I hope you enjoyed. Sort of twisted and vague.

Listen to that song. The acoustic track, if you can. It is beautiful.


End file.
